Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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