IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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