and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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