if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
