If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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