I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
