Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
