It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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