Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
