it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
