I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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