yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
