i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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