I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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