I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
