I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
