i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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