It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
