I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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