i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
