Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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