She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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