i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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