After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
