Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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