Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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