At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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