Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
