I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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