life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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