We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
