I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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