Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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