My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
