fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
