Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
