my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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