I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
