I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and she was petting her beer can
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
