I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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