It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Of course I have a pirate flag
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
