Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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