The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
