omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
