Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
