i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
