: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
