Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
