so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
