my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
